Sunday, December 19, 2010

before the year ends...

So, i was stalking the internet, and i ran across this ::

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.”


Reading this made me think... a lot. This past semester at school has been one of the hardest semesters for me. It has nothing to do with school, and everything to do with me. This was the semester that I realized that I am not as happy as I want to be.
*I hate my major, and regret ever switching it. I feel like I was lied to and used. There were many promises made to me that never happened, and it made me a bitter betty.
*I was with someone who i was not happy with. I was with them because I was comfortable with them, and I didnt want to be alone.
*I was dating someone at school, who i am crazy about, but the stipulations and conditions that we were dating under were horrible. But i was so in love that i couldnt leave.
*I started to drink and smoke every single day. I started smoking way more cigarettes
*I was scared to have female friends because I didnt want the people I was involved with to get jealous and not talk to me
*I used my apt as a prison. I never left. I didnt go to parties (and enjoy myself), i didnt go to school events, i barely went to events i was requireed to go to
*I was constantly sick, and i didnt know how to get better
*i was using my mental illness's as a crutch, and letting them get worst and worst.

Long story short, i have been absolutly miserable this semester, and I cant blame anyone but myself. Instead of going out and trying to make things better I would sit in my apt and have a pity party for myself. My friends who were always around knew what was going on, but they still to this day dont know everything i was going through in my head

I say all of this to say that I refuse to be unhappy anymore. People always say that they are going to change this, that and the third when the new year rolls around, but I have to start now. I have to end my year on a good note.

So to any and everyone that I have been rude to, ignored, taken my anger out on, my lovely friends, my beautiful line sisters, my kick ass little sisters and my amazing big sisters... I am sorry. Sorry for keeping you all in the dark, sorry for not letting you know what was going on, sorry for being as bitch, sorry for being ghost, I am sorry for everything. I hope that this next semester you all can see how much I truley love and care about you. I promise to be around more, and i promise to let you all know whats going on in this big crazy head of mine.

I just want to be happy, and I know I can and will get there.